Facing Reality

Today I can reflect on it with calm understanding. But at the time nearly every effort people made to help seemed to make the pain and horror worse.
Visitations at the funeral home were two afternoons and two evenings. My beloved children were just a few feet away in their caskets. The funeral was on the third day. Trying to respond to the sympathy of friends, even their curiosity about the accident, felt exactly opposite to what I needed; quiet, solitary grieving.
From the day of the accident to some time after the funeral there was a continuous stream of visitors to our home. Maybe it was their effort to relieve the gloom but the jokes, the laughter, the beer drinking just magnified my pain. I was dying inside. How could they be carrying on so normally? Someone even brought a birthday cake to celebrate one of the visitor’s birthday.
I wanted to tell them all to get the hell out and take the cake with them. I just needed to be left alone!
Four days later, we were invited for dinner.  I was driving the rental car that replaced our wrecked van. My husband was still too shaken to take the wheel. We placed my son in the centre of the back seat where we felt he stood a better chance of survival should something happen.  What are the odds? It was dusk.  Suddenly a deer bounded across the highway. By the time I realized what it was, a second one ran directly in front of the car.  We hit it but I couldn’t stop because there were 2 transports close behind me.  My son was hyperventilating in panic. We were finally able to stop a few miles farther on at my brother’s to catch our breath and view the damage. I was shaking uncontrollably.
It took a while to calm down before we could make our way home.

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