I Do Not Blame God

I was raised in the Catholic Church and have always had a strong connection with God. But the sudden, tragic death of my beloved son and daughter raised questions that I had never before considered.
I had always believed God created heaven, earth and humans but made us responsible for the conduct of our lives. Was I now being punished for something I had done? What? Why? I couldn’t imagine what it could be.
I was a very good mother and wife. My prayers were always for my children’s health and happiness. I would ask God to protect them through school and vacations. Sometimes I thought I was so afraid of losing them that I somehow attracted their loss. I anguished over these painful thoughts through many long days and sleepless nights.
I analyzed Bible readings and talked with priests, trying to learn where my children had gone. Were they in heaven? Or spirits? Or ghosts? Or just gone? Eventually I concluded that such torment was not God’s way.
In my grief and anger and isolation I stopped praying. It was not that I stopped believing. It was that my spirit died. I would not pray for the next 15 years. I drank instead. It numbed me when the pain was unbearable but alcohol eventually captured me in a deadly grip. I became powerless over it.
Alcohol took over my being. For many years I was little more than a puppet, going through the motions of life, a divorce, job changes, moves, friends made and lost, always under the control the soul destroying disease of addiction.
That has been a long, tortuous journey which I will recount in more detail in this blog. But to assure readers that there is a bright and positive conclusion I can say I now lead a happy, active life with more good friends and support that I ever dreamed of.
And my children? I am at peace thinking they are in a happy place, looking over me and waiting for me to join them.

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One Comment

  1. Congratulations my friend! You are an inspiration to all who will read your posts. I know your story will help all who follow in one way or another. I know that you inspire me every day that I think of you. Thank you!!!!

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