It’s been one month since my last post. That was a really tough one to revisit, the death of my 19-year-old son Paul. I had a good cry while writing it, the kind of emotional melt-down I hadn’t had for a long time. I had vivid memories from our shared lives. Writing about them made me miss him so much.
People have asked if writing this blog has helped to heal the agonizing wounds that the loss of my three children inflicted. Some have suggested that writing about it must be healing. My response to that is, if I had not healed as much as possible in the 24 years since my two little ones were killed and the 15 years since Paul’s death, I wouldn’t be sane enough to write this.
I told one friend that the effort is as though I take a special memory off the shelf and share it for a while, the images and voices and emotions. Then I gently replace it and return to living my life today.
Writing this makes me relive and remember what I have lost. I have had to look at pictures (which I hadn’t viewed in many years), dig up statistics, visit family and friends from those days, talk about this all over again. Doing it has inspired some dreams of my children which I hadn’t had in a long time. The dreams are neither good, nor bad. My children are just there in a scene where I wonder as I wake, what the heck was that all about?
When I write a very intense post I descend into deep sadness, an emotion I allow myself to experience for only a limited time. I have learned how to deal with those down periods; I get on my bicycle and go for a good ride to change my thoughts. I make myself get active. I reach out to the positive people I keep in my life.
This is now Sunday afternoon and I have just returned from a function downtown. I cycled there. Instead of coming straight home, I cycled the long route along the canal. It
was beautiful on this warm fall day. I wish I could record the thoughts going through my head as I cycle because that’s when I often get the best ideas for posts. When I get home I sit at the computer and try to recapture those details.
One big reason I continue blogging on this topic is that I have learned that students and libraries are following my blog. It is becoming useful to others who experience or study this kind of trauma. The knowledge that I am helping others inspires me to go on.
Please continue sharing my blog with whomever you think may benefit; i.e. therapists etc….