Three Choices – part 1

Choice #1  Kill yourself quickly (suicide) or slowly (this is what I was doing by drinking myself on the way to death). Choice #2  Relive the losses, day after day at infinitum!! Choice #3  Made a decision to surrender to a better life, to carry on, to accept and to change. Use of alcohol to […]

I Run Away At Christmas

I can’t tell you how I felt the first Christmas after the death of Anne and Paul. I don’t remember. I was too numb. All I know is that we avoided Christmas or escaped as often as we could. It just wasn’t the same joyful time of kids’ laughter and celebration without them. How can […]

My Friend Was Alcohol part 4

As my drinking progressed, I found myself going to work hung over most mornings. When I did take a break and managed to get a good night’s sleep, I would wake up with good intentions. I would plan to visit the library or go cycling to avoid another evening of drinking. The determination was always […]

My First Christmas In Heaven

  I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below, With tiny lights like Heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear. For am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, But the sounds of […]

My Friend Was Alcohol part 3

I travelled 200 kilometres every day to my new job in Newmarket before I was able to transfer to the Barrie Courthouse, a much shorter drive from Orillia.  I must have cut back on my drinking or maybe I was just lucky because I survived long distance travel through many dangerous snow storms on the […]

My Friend Was Alcohol part 2

In an attempt to not go home to an empty house and drink after work, I had taken a part-time job at a golf club.  There was always a need to fill those sad lonely hours. When the golfing season ended, I became a volunteer at the local hospital and would go there after work. […]

My Friend Was Alcohol part 1

What do you do to numb the pain? How do you fill the vacuum? The death of my two children triggered all the classic symptoms of grief: but overwhelming sadness and anger seemed to grip me the hardest. I wanted justice, to have the man who fell asleep while driving and killed my son and […]

Removing Their Belongings

I can never permanently escape “memory triggers” that bring my lost children vividly into my thoughts and emotions. In the first year after the death of Anne and Adam, those painful flashes struck me many times each day. They sometimes tripped me into almost paralyzing sadness. It could be a glimpse into their room, bumping […]

Today is Anne’s Birthday

Today, September 28th is my daughter Anne’s birthday. She was about to turn 13 when she was killed. She would now be 37. Significant dates, holidays and special events affect me in various ways. The birthdays after my young son and daughter died were extremely sad days. I took flowers to the cemetery and could […]

Is Blogging Healing?

It’s been one month since my last post. That was a really tough one to revisit, the death of my 19-year-old son Paul. I had a good cry while writing it, the kind of emotional melt-down I hadn’t had for a long time. I had vivid memories from our shared lives. Writing about them made […]